You Shouldnt Have Told Me but You Did and Now Im Telling You You Dont Wanna Know
Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and near of our worst ideas.
Nada good tin come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all considering of a few simple chords and a tune that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that time y'all told that girl you only started seeing that you lot would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."
"It's just, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summertime. And yes, my mom." Photo via iStock.
That time you held that smash box over your caput outside your ex'southward house? Yous did that because of a love song. And l hours of community service later, you're yet not dorsum together.
Love songs are great. They brand our hearts beat faster. They inspire united states of america to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give united states of america terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.
They're amazing. Then amazing. And as well terrible.
Hither are six love songs that sound romantic only aren't, and one vocal that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:
one. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys
You can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."
When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where information technology's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the nigh heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph by Hulton Annal/Getty Images.
Here'due south why it sounds romantic:
I may not always beloved you lot
But long equally there are stars to a higher place you
You never need to uncertainty information technology
I'll make yous and so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without yous
If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your dearest and non playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should really finish and start over.
If y'all're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball cyberspace and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.
If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and yous're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," yous are doing information technology wrong.
Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photograph by Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It'south a song that only feels like love. Pure beloved. Immature love. Beloved with a chill, kelp-y vibe.
What could be incorrect with that?
Here'southward why it's actually really, really unromantic:
There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus every bit they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.
But there is such a affair equally loving someone a skosh too much.
If you should always exit me
Though life would still proceed believe me
The earth could show nothing to me
So what good would living practice me?
Await, I get it. Breakups suck. In that location's no getting effectually that. Just good God.
There'southward a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my get-go and foremost everything and I'll exist bummed if you go." And saying: "Welp, you lot accepted that job in Seattle, and so I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."
Only that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...
God just knows what I'd be without you
...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. Nosotros had a good run. Photograph via iStock.
That's non dearest. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'southward a grade of emotional abuse.
Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatsoever relationship — ane that, past definition, might one twenty-four hours finish — is putting a lot of eggs in 1 basket. Certain, God may only know what y'all'd be without her, only God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yes! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.
One person cannot be anyone'southward be-all and end-all. It's too stressful. And information technology prevents you lot from doing you, which is a thing that's gotta be done before you tin exercise anything else.
No wonder she took that job in Seattle.
ii. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars
Certain, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've ever heard. Just, we don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts become, you lot could practice a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Look at that face up. That face up! Photo past Brothers Le/Flickr.
Here'south why the vocal sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, you're my golden star
You lot know y'all can brand my wish come true
If you let me treasure you
If you lot let me treasure you lot
Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade brand-out party and y'all'll probable get an instant cost pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, engagement night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-yet-passionate frenching.
Pass them to a cop who pulls yous over for running a terminate sign, and they volition think y'all're weird — but probably still make out with yous.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to brand out with America considering of this song.
This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'm OK with that.
But, here's why "Treasure" isn't equally romantic every bit it seems:
Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes about gender.
"Children, have I ever told yous what I shouted at your mother on the street the kickoff time nosotros met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things start to go south correct from the very first:
Give me your, give me your, requite me your attention, baby
I gotta tell you a fiddling something about yourself
Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street nearly something she "doesn't know about herself."
What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it exist that her nonfiction book nearly early modern High german history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Thank you for teaching me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.
Spoiler Alert: It'southward none of those.
You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, y'all're a sexy lady
Only you walk effectually here like you lot wanna be someone else
Oh. Information technology'southward that she'southward sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.
Give-and-take of communication? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she'due south sexy. Even if she doesn't, information technology really doesn't affect her solar day-to-day so much that you, a consummate stranger, demand to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
And then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A skilful way to spend a three-day weekend.
Sure, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn One thousand. McCormack/Getty Images.
And so subsequently, of course, the narrator can't help himself:
Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should exist smiling
A girl similar you should never expect so blue.
He respects her and so much, he'due south actually straight-up telling her to smiling! Much similar Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to become off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I gauge everybody's got a matter.
Yeah, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a human complimenting a strange woman and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."
He so proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world's creepiest pirate:
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, aye, y'all, you, you, you are
You are my treasure, you lot are my treasure
You lot are my treasure, yep, you, you, you lot, yous are
Past this point, in his heed, she'southward a literal affair. An object. Which is plumbing equipment.
I suppose it could exist worse, though. At least she'southward not simply whatsoever thing.
GIF from "The Two Towers."
That's ... something, correct?
iii. "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right," by Bob Dylan
For equally long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Retrieve Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is skillful at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Hither's why it sounds romantic:
Well, it own't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
Fifty-fifty y'all don't know by now
And information technology own't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the intermission of dawn
Await out your window, and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm a-traveling on
But don't think twice, information technology'southward all right.
Blast. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.
"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. Information technology'southward the song your older sister played on continuous loop for vi months after her boyfriend left for college. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to exit her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The vocal your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high schoolhouse band over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are you lot looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Sure, it's about the finish of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn't that be plenty?
Here's why it'southward actually sooooo messed upwardly:
Relationships terminate. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call information technology quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly do good from a difficult, honest discussion virtually what went wrong.
It's not me, Joan. It'southward you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Remember Twice," that discussion basically boils downwardly to: "It'due south your mistake."
Permit's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Retrieve Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my centre, but she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Babe, I just have so much unspecified honey to requite," and she'south like, "Have out the trash!" And you're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my middle be enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the domestic dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you lot to do is have out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna get play guitar." And and then she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You could accept done ameliorate, but I don't mind
Yes. Y'all do mind! Y'all listen! You wrote a song about it, y'all passive-aggressive prick.
You just kinda wasted my precious time
Ah yes. Your time is and so precious! Remember most all the hours you wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could accept been futzing around with that home-brew kit.
Yes, this was worth information technology. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.
The minute y'all start breaking it downwards, the bulletin of "Don't Retrieve Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt's wind chime store, which would have airtight forever agone had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.
"Y'all kids want a beer? No one's under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.
Oh yep, and the song's narrator also bespeak-blank refers woman he's leaving as:
A kid, I'm told
That's right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-ambitious wiggle — turns out, he'south also mayhap a pedophile.
Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'southward non really a child — which there'southward no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking up with anyone in such a vicious, dismissive fashion is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the indicate.
4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver
Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk vocal well-nigh hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hr?
This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.
Hither'due south why it sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were however kind of new at the time information technology was written.
'Cause I'yard leavin' on a jet airplane
To a modern ear, this would exist sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," but in a way that'southward somehow even so folksy and heartbreaking and singable past ix-year-olds at summer military camp. Not like shooting fish in a barrel to exercise!
Oh babe, I hate to go
Yous see — he hates to go! He only hates it! We know this, because he tells us he hates information technology. And why would he hate to become if he didn't honey his partner just that much?
Run into ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.
Why indeed?
Here'due south why it's actually not that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin just distract so much from the fact that the vocal'southward main character is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:
There'due south then many times I've let you down
So many times I've played effectually
I tell y'all now, they don't mean a matter
"Babe, I promise! All the movies I watched alone while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex activity I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to exercise! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But residue assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"As empty as this bed I merely finished having sex with someone else in." Photograph via iStock.
Yes, when you break it down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "expert" despite all evidence to the opposite.
And for all he claims to exist broken upwardly about having to office from his 1 and just, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are yous? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter almost the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to choke downward as y'all sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious risk?
"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry identify I go, I'll recollect of you lot
Ev'ry vocal I sing, I'll sing for you
Ah cool. He'll think near her while strumming and making "my love is delicate as the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes upwardly for it all.
Then he demands:
So osculation me and grinning for me
Tell me that you'll look for me
Afterwards all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who tin can't exist trusted, he nevertheless has the gall to tell her to wait? To await for him?
And hither'south the kicker:
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah yeah. He'll put a band on it. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.
Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family unit depository financial institution account, and just been a full general screwup and disappointment.
But yep. This fourth dimension he says he'll bring back a wedding band.
I promise she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.
v. "When a Human being Loves a Adult female," Percy Sledge
When yous await up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, information technology plays you lot the very get-go line.
Here'south why it sound very romantic:
When a homo loves a woman
Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but it doesn't fifty-fifty come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The succulent, succulent pain-belting:
WHEN A Human being LOVES A Woman
Closer ... but still no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
It'southward an elemental lyric.
It's a heart-shattering lyric.
It'due south a lyric that demands you put your back into information technology.
It's perfection.
Every bit long as you don't continue listening.
Here'south why the vocal is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd surrender all his comforts
And slumber out in the rain
If she said that's the mode
It ought to be.
Whoa! OK. No. Support. A man, no affair how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human will dice of exposure and hypothermia.
Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.
No! Jeez. No. A homo can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A homo needs friends! Once a man'southward whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will exist bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man's mental health will deteriorate.
I gave you everything I have
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love
Baby, please don't care for me bad.
This is not what happens "when a human being loves a woman." Information technology's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.
"It's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that's not healthy.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're here for you.
(Side note: Lest information technology go implied, there is style more than i way for a man to dear a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Possibly they slumber in split bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a homo loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no i-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more than one way to skin a true cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go downwardly.
Information technology doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, every bit long equally it's a metaphor. Photograph by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Signal existence: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek assist! You can exercise this! And if you lot ever observe yourself in a like situation, delight give these people a phone call.
6. "All I Wanna Exercise is Brand Dear to You," Heart
Honestly, Centre could sing a list of the about pop AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my eyes out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the terminate of a pier.
This song is perfect. You lot should always be listening to it. If you're not listening to information technology at present, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. It's just that important.
I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
And so much passion. Then much pain. And so much hair.
Hither's why information technology sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Eye sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared past every living being on Earth: picking upwards an unnervingly attractive human being for i nighttime of mind-bravado sex and and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever again.
They sing:
It was a rainy dark when he came into sight
Standing by the route, no umbrella, no coat
So I pulled up aslope and I offered him a ride
He accustomed with a smile so nosotros drove for a while
I don't have to go on because yous know what happens next, and it's awesome.
"I but sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
Now, hither's why this song is not romantic at all:
The relationship in "All I Wanna Practise" seems too expert to exist truthful. And it is. Considering it's not an equally loving ,or fifty-fifty every bit lusty, pairing at all.
It's a...
It's a...
Well. You know what it is:
Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photograph by Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are humming along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:
I didn't ask him his proper name, this lonely boy in the rain
Fate, tell me it's right, is this honey at first sight?
Sure, many of u.s. might hesitate to pick upward a strange leather-jacket-clad human being continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, but our narrator only has a feeling almost this guy, and sometimes, you gotta become with your gut.
I tin can respect that.
We fabricated magic that dark
He did everything correct
Slap-up! Seems similar it was a skillful decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.
Simply then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an best bang-up romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:
I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed
We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree
Don't try to find me, please don't you dare
Only live in my memory, you'll always be in that location"
I'chiliad non a poet. Symbolic language oftentimes eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex activity was first invented in the early on-1970s, we're talking nigh a surprise, not-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.
Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Y'all might be tempted to think, "Perhaps Heart meant something else past that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
So information technology happened one mean solar day
We came round the aforementioned way
You tin can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
There are two possibilities here.
One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from 9 years agone:
Photograph by eyedonation.org.
Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a infant on the sly.
I said, "Please, please understand
Ah, certain. Yep. No worries.
I'm in love with another man
Cool, then this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not one but ii lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the i trivial matter that you can"
A Homo LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Man LIFE THAT IS Not INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The best you can say nigh that is that information technology'due south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nativity control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .
But ... it'south not cute. It'south not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).
And at the end of the day, the shadiest graphic symbol in this song is somehow non the pelting-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.
Which... is saying something.
Just there is a love vocal that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a body of water of problematic faves.
A song that does everything correct.
A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.
A song that can double equally a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.
And that song is...
"Processed Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia
Here's why you lot might be — OK, most definitely are — skeptical:
l Cent (Fifty) and that guy. Yous know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
Every bit catchy as "Processed Store" is, every bit fun it is to dance to, and equally cathartic as it tin can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity business firm at 2 a.m., there'south no getting effectually the fact that the song begins like this:
I'll take you to the candy store
I'll allow you lick the lollipop
I'll post that once more, in example you lot missed some of the nuance:
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
Mode to accept one for the team, narrator of "Candy Store"!
At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a classic love song.
The lyrics are ... unusually forrard. The trounce is kinda basic. The hook is similar the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
It doesn't get played much anymore. When information technology does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.
It's not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. Information technology's not a vocal you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at dwelling house with the babysitter and you've got ix hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly non a song you'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' argent ceremony.
It's simply not.
Just information technology should exist.
So hither it is. Here'due south why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is really the perfect human relationship song:
You wanna back that thing up or should I push up on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It'southward only been 20 seconds, and you lot're already getting prepare to hang information technology up with "Candy Store."
Merely then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female voice joining the track, cut through the din like a blaring call.
She sings:
I'll have you to the candy shop (yeah)
Male child, one gustatory modality of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll take you spendin' all you got (come on)
Keep going 'til yous striking the spot, whoa
Information technology's mutual! Information technology's mutual! They're performing oral sex on each other!
Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo past liz due west/Flickr.
50 Cent himself may non be the world's greatest partner — for case, according to i of his exes, he'due south washed some pretty unforgivable things.
But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:
Y'all could have it your way, how do you want information technology?
Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'south with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'grand going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat y'all like a breast total of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Beloved to You," ("I'm going to flim-flam you into knocking me up!") — the "Processed Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the globe of popular music, is proficient for about 50,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to exercise information technology? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?
It'due south whatever you're into
'Cause consent is sexy!
I ain't finished teaching you 'tour how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.
But here'south the primal thing: the lady on the receiving stop of those desires? She's clearly into it. And nosotros know this because she says so.
The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly pasty club floor.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Eatables.
Daughter what we practice ...
And where nosotros do ...
The things nosotros do ...
Are just between me and you
No affair how nasty they freak, it will exist intimate. It will be private. At that place will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If yous exist a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is fundamental to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.
She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids just might become the distance subsequently all.
And at the end of the day, what is a relationship just two nymphos, sharing health insurance?
Thanks, Obamacare! Photo past Wonderlane/Flickr.
It's like it'south a race who could go undressed quicker
Once again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally neat time.
I touch the right spot at the right time
Of class, information technology wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random humbug, but if nosotros're to have him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least as expert at "doing everything correct" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Dearest to Yous" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.
The "Processed Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a good partner.
"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology's non your grandmother'south beloved vocal.
But when you lot strip abroad the swagger, the back crush, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the cease of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the finish of the 24-hour interval, isn't that what a good for you relationship is all nearly?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.
And so seductive.
Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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